So it’s gone from blogging every night before bed to blogging whenever I have the energy and patience to bother.
You would think as someone probably living with autism that a rigid structure/routine would be the basis of my life.
Don’t get me wrong I would love it to be like that. But having a wife with a chronic autoimmune illness and 5 kids even the thought of a strict daily routine is virtually impossible!
Anyway, chosen now to blog because everyone has just had lunch so relatively settled house (1pm here in the uk).
And also because I feel I need to get things out of my head a bit.
Not had a good day so far. Feeling completely overwhelmed and don’t even know why.
Been miserable and grumpy all morning and been feeling like I am just not doing well at functioning.
So I pondered a bit and I think I am having a bit of an identity crisis, possibly brought on by this self diagnosis.
I don’t want people to see me as autistic but that would be hiding my true self.
I want to be a better husband and father. That definitely needs work.
And I also want to change my appearance. I have always been overweight so want that to change but also feel like I have been wearing the same clothes for years now. Which is fine but I am not 21 now. My “style” is better suited to younger people. I feel feel I need to “grow up” a bit.
So there are psychological, behavioural and physical changes I want (and need) to make but I don’t know where to start.
All I know is, the “me” that I am right now is no longer serving its purpose and needs upgrading.
And if nothing else, for the sake of my marriage and family it needs to start happening soon.
I am furloughed for a few more weeks so I need to use that time wisely. Which again is not easy. Between my wife and i we spend the day keeping the kids alive. Then when the younger ones go to bed we actually get some time for us. I need to fit in some intense self-improvement work during those few hours but without neglecting my beautiful wife.
Whether you are autistic or not, if you have a partner and kids, life is not easy. It is a balancing act. One which I am at great risk of toppling unless I sort my shit out.
Hopefully getting it out of my head will ease the pressure on my mind a bit. Now on to the rest of the day