Just feel completely disconnected from everything today. No motivation, no sense of the world, just complete lack of anything.

Did make a start on clearing the garden out ready to re-plant and also sort the shed out but weather put an end to that.

Apart from that I have not wanted to do a single thing today.

Feel lost for no reason at all which is frustrating as hell


So it’s gone from blogging every night before bed to blogging whenever I have the energy and patience to bother.

You would think as someone probably living with autism that a rigid structure/routine would be the basis of my life.

Don’t get me wrong I would love it to be like that. But having a wife with a chronic autoimmune illness and 5 kids even the thought of a strict daily routine is virtually impossible!

Anyway, chosen now to blog because everyone has just had lunch so relatively settled house (1pm here in the uk).

And also because I feel I need to get things out of my head a bit.

Not had a good day so far. Feeling completely overwhelmed and don’t even know why.

Been miserable and grumpy all morning and been feeling like I am just not doing well at functioning.

So I pondered a bit and I think I am having a bit of an identity crisis, possibly brought on by this self diagnosis.

I don’t want people to see me as autistic but that would be hiding my true self.

I want to be a better husband and father. That definitely needs work.

And I also want to change my appearance. I have always been overweight so want that to change but also feel like I have been wearing the same clothes for years now. Which is fine but I am not 21 now. My “style” is better suited to younger people. I feel feel I need to “grow up” a bit.

So there are psychological, behavioural and physical changes I want (and need) to make but I don’t know where to start.

All I know is, the “me” that I am right now is no longer serving its purpose and needs upgrading.

And if nothing else, for the sake of my marriage and family it needs to start happening soon.

I am furloughed for a few more weeks so I need to use that time wisely. Which again is not easy. Between my wife and i we spend the day keeping the kids alive. Then when the younger ones go to bed we actually get some time for us. I need to fit in some intense self-improvement work during those few hours but without neglecting my beautiful wife.

Whether you are autistic or not, if you have a partner and kids, life is not easy. It is a balancing act. One which I am at great risk of toppling unless I sort my shit out.

Hopefully getting it out of my head will ease the pressure on my mind a bit. Now on to the rest of the day

A morning blog

Was going to blog last night as usual but I put questions about my repetitive behaviours to the autism group and it was not approved until around 2am this morning haha.

Anyway, from the answers I have so far it appears that my beard hair pulling, scab picking and incessant tapping are all “stims” which are common with autistic people.

Had a Google and this link provides decent info: https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/stimming#frequency

So, another sign that I probably am autistic.

I have no idea when I will be able to get a formal diagnosis due to Covid-19, or if I will even be able to get one as diagnosis in adults is less common. But I firmly believe that I am autistic so I am going to start looking into ways of helping myself in situations where my autism causes issues.

Bit more on my spiritual journey

Two blogs in quick succession!

Keeping things a little bit separate.

So as mentioned in earlier posts, my wife and I are exploring our spiritual side more and tonight, we tuned in to a live facebook thing with card readings etc.

I was chosen for a reading.

Now, please bare in mind that we had never watched this particular reader before, and there is no way she could have known anything about me.

A male spirit wanted to contact me. A big man, well built, but incredibly gentle. Someone I was close to, looked up to, and would go to for advice. They wanted to tell me that they are still there and I was to look out for signs that they are communicating and trying to reach me.

For those who don’t know, my grandad passed last February. He was 6 ft 7 tall and built like a house! But he was a gentle giant. He was and still is my hero. I could talk to him about anything without judgement and he would offer advice and guidance whenever possible.

I have been hoping that both he and my nan would be watching over me. Now I think I have a sign.

He said I need to meditate properly, and listen.

In addition to this, the reader mentioned a positive change in finances around August or September. She is the 4th, completely independent reader to give me this information.

Let’s see what happens

Much needed rain

Cooler day with rain and a breeze! So refreshing. Felt very in tune with the natural world today.

Don’t think I have mentioned before but I am massively into the natural world, wildlife etc.

Simple things like watching the blackbirds feeding after rainfall really help ground me and make me feel like the world is not such a bad place.

Back on to subject matter a bit and I have been pondering today about certain behaviours and habits I have and whether they are linked to autism or something else, or if they are just habits.

For example, I will pull beard hairs out and play with them. Once i have finished with one I will flick it away or drop it and pull another one out.

Or maybe the face that I will pick scabs. They will bleed and scab over again. The next day I pick them. This goes on for days or even weeks for each scab and has even lead to small scars.

Then of course there is my incessant tapping. Since my wife mentioned it I have become more aware and tried to reduce it but it still happens.

Not sure if these link to any conditions or not. Will put it to the autism page on facebook tomorrow and check back with answers!


This heat (and it isn’t even that hot here in England) is a bit much. So muggy especially when trying to get to sleep.

But the dry weather has meant lots of time in the garden with the kids so it’s not all bad.

Think the fresh air has done my head some good.

Haven’t had the mental struggles so much and when there have been testing times I have taken an extra few seconds to breathe and process before reacting so outbursts are currently under control.

However, one thing has bothered me the past few days. My lack of creativity.

Wasn’t sure if this was a common thing with autism so put it to a facebook group and apparently it is not! Many of the people in the group are very creative! But add in maths strengths and that makes more sense for autism.

Either way, still convinced I have autism so will continue investigating, learning and will aim to have some form of diagnosis once the virus buggers off

Less stress

Been a good couple of days!

I have kept my social media intake to a minimum and have instead put my time into sorting the house and giving the wife little breaks from the kids here and there.

Even though I don’t take much notice of the worldwide crap at the moment, scrolling through so much of it will get it lodged in your mind a bit and it adds to anxiety and stress on which manifests but you can’t always put a finger on where its come from.

However have spent a bit of time reading posts on the autism and Alexithymia pages and it is just further confirming for me that I am autistic but starting to wonder a bit more about Alexithymia.

Maybe my emotional issues are purely down to autism. The Alexithymia members seem to really struggle with everything emotionally. They are basically numb at times. Whereas I feel everything I just struggle sometimes to express or describe it.

This is a symptom of Alexithymia but I sort of know what the feelings are where as others don’t.

Can’t wait until I can safely visit doctors again so i can get some form of confirmation either way for both conditions.

Either way, getting back into a positive mindset again which is probably a massive relief for my wife.

Also, cooked a beast of a roast today and a lovely pudding to. No Aunt Bessies in this house. Alp cooked from scratch!