Bloody hell

Blogging when you have nothing to blog about is hard.

Nothing autism related at all right now. Think I have come to terms with it and am just getting on with it.

However, one thing, I finally started “working out” tonight.

Not panicking about cardio. Mainly because we are shielding so going out for a jog or bike ride is kind of out of the question.

However, being overweight but under-strong (yeah I just made that up) has been a problem I have struggled with for years.

So, while I am not working and we are stuck at home, I have started some resistence/weight training. Hopefully if I can keep it up for a few weeks I can make it habitual so I will keep doing it!

I know overall my weight might not change much as I switch fat for muscle but hopefully there will be noticeable changes in how I look.

Been flabby for too long. Time to look and feel strong instead of like a big wobbly mess.

In turn, my mental health will likely improve and I will feel more confident and less worried about being judged for my appearance.

Fingers crossed!

A few minutes

This evening, once the new 6 year old had gone to bed, I went outside to the garden and tried to meditate.

No headphones, no guided anything, just me and the world.

Eyes closed, sat with my legs crossed, hands upturned on my knees, focused on my breathing. All I could hear was birdsong and the rustling of the breeze in the trees.

Idyllic.

It lasted about 3 minutes before the sound of somebody turning on an outside tap disturbed the peace haha.

But genuinely, in those moments it was as if somebody opened a vacuum and my thoughts were all sucked away. It was so peaceful. And I feel relaxed now.

3 minutes and it really had an impact on me.

Got me thinking.

Usually to relax I will put on some music (usually some angry metal) or scroll through social media. But is this actually relaxing? Or is it habitual.

I do these things all the time but I haven’t felt actually relaxed in a long time. I think meditation could cure this if I practice more.

Also, those few minutes spent outside (I stayed sat out for a but after my meditation was disturbed), my head filled with thoughts such as:

Wouldn’t the world be beautiful without pylons, big cities, big housing estates etc.

Mankind is here, that is unavoidable (although we are slowly killing ourselves!)

But surely we could be less intrusive.

It’s too late now but just imagine how beautiful everything would be if civilisation left less of a mark.

And think how much more connected we would all be. Not on social media. But actually connecting with other humans for the good of the world which so kindly lends us the elements and means to live.

Maybe I am a hippie at heart.

I am currently part of the brainwashed rat race we call modern life. But my wife and I are starting to make plans to escape and live a simpler way of life when (ironically) we can afford to do it.

More meditation needed I think. Delve into the depths of my rigid complicated mind

This blog is not 100% autism but is 100% my journey

When I started this blog it was about my personal journey to better mental health.

Then when it became apparent I was probably autistic the focused shifted to that.

Now that I am 99% certain I am autistic the focus is not so much on that.

The focus now is whatever the days throw at me (positive and negative).

As mentioned a few times, my wife and I have started on a journey to embrace the spiritual side of things. Not religious! Just the feeling that there is more to this universe than living and dying.

In this we have discovered bits and pieces about past lives and souls etc.

We are even more intrigued about past lives now due to my life long fascination with Norway. Was I Scandinavian in a past life? We are thinking viking!

Who knows! But a medium we follow and have had readings from is running an online past life regression session next week so (as long as the little one is asleep) we will be partaking.

Intrigued by it all.

So watch this space.

Also, going back to mental health, we have been doing sleep meditations at night and I am feeling better over all. More positive definitely.

Been a while

Took a few days away from blogging.

Had a minor meltdown, spent time getting my shit sorted, then celebrated my little boy’s 6th birthday (today).

Have not managed to factor in any hypnosis/meditation because I have not been in the frame of mind and been busy.

Need to start making time for it. But right now it is just nice to be on everyone’s good side and seeing my little boy smiling and excited.

That’s what really matters

Souls live forever, humans do not

So this is not about autism or anything like that but I felt the need to post about this.

18 years ago today, I actually nearly died. Aged 13, I had appendicitis and by the time they operated it was nearly too late!

Other than the actual surgery and the 24 hours after surgery where I was so dosed up on morphine that I was barely conscious, I can remember it all vividly. Which is weird because virtually all other memories from that age are gone. Guess it was kind of a big deal.

But the two things I remember the most are not the pain, not the fact I was told that I was close to dying. Nope. I remember this:

1. I felt absolutely no fear. I wasn’t scared at all. Did I not understand what was going on? This has baffled me completely.

2. My father basically had to be forced to show me some affection. I was high as a kite on morphine. My parents were visiting but I was not really awake properly. But I could hear them. They were leaving. My mother kissed my forehead and told me she loved me. I then distinctly remember her telling my dad that he is allowed to show his affection. As if he was just going to walk out after visiting his son who nearly died without even a notion of caring.

He did then kissed my forehead but I don’t remember him saying he loved me. He might of, but I’m 50/50 on that.

So overall, 18 years ago, I had a strange few days.

I have a scar from the operation which I will have for the rest of my life. A stark reminder of my near death experience, and the fact that it didn’t scare me at all.

Get it out…..

It has really helped.

Definitely been in a better frame of mind today and I think it is because I am telling people about my suspected condition.

The realisation hit home and I was suddenly very overwhelmed and felt completely disconnected from everything. No motivation, no energy, barely functioned for a day or so.

But once people started finding out it has seemingly lifted all of that.

I didn’t achieve much today but felt better and have been able to get on with odd bits here and there.

I also feel like my body and mind are ready to absorb and embrace things now. It’s like I have had an emotional clear out.

So, tomorrow, I will start to reprogram everything and get on the right track to a happier, healthier me with emphasis on being a better husband and father.

Reboot in safe mode

So I thought that my brain had start functioning properly again yesterday but not quite.

The best way I can describe it is when you turn on a computer of some sort and there has been some kind of problem with it. The computer will ask if you want to start in safe mode.

I think my brain is in safe mode. It is working but doing only the bare minimum.

It’s like there is power and Windows is installed but all other programs are not there or not accessible.

So am I going through a factory reset or is it just damage limitation while everything sinks in.

Hopefully today I can login, run some checks, defrag, and install updates.

Or in human terms, start afresh

Brain has woken up

Bit more going on in my head today which is good.

Need to spend less time screens today. Need to focus on doing stuff. Wasting so much time at the moment.

Possibly another reason I have been overwhelmed lately. Not being productive and keeping busy so the mind wanders then overloads.

Anyway, no more posts until this evening.

Laters

Still blank

Been a weird day inside my head today.

It has just been empty.

Functional thoughts to get me through the day but that’s it.

Was hoping to do some meditation or self hypnosis stuff but I just can’t find the motivation for anything right now.

Maybe my mind just needed a day off to recover from the past few days. Been a bit of a rollercoaster with all my various findings.

Maybe I will just let this week play out and start trying a new routine either from the weekend or Monday.

Need to incorporate healthier eating, exercise, meditation/hypnosis into my days.

So holding off until at least Saturday seems sensible. Gives me time to plan.

My autistic mind loves lists and schedules so if it is all planned out in black and white it should give me the extra push I need!

Blank canvas

That is how my mind feels today.

Yesterday, after taking that online empathy test and finding out I have almost no empathy, my I felt completely overwhelmed and a bit crushed.

But, I finished reading the book I previously mentioned (this is an achievement in itself) and managed to last the rest of the day without any meltdowns. Probably because I felt exhausted after the empathy stuff.

Anyway, slept quite well and woke up feeling surprisingly ok. And all through the day so far (just before 3pm UK time), my mind has been kind of empty. I have had thoughts obviously but all just functional stuff. What to have for lunch, do I want a brew etc. But all of the overwhelming stress and worry seems to have vanished. Hasn’t been replace by anything positive. Just feeling very neutral and like I can actually go into something free of any pre-existing feelings.

So tonight, as long as my mind continues its neutrality, I will plunge myself into some self hypnosis and meditation to do some real soul searching.

Now I am pretty sure I know what I am dealing with I can really look deep into my being, physical and mental, and really dig out the person that I have seemingly been suppressing for most of my life just to get through and function.

I think it is time to try to really open my mind. Having autism could make this difficult as things generally have to be certain ways etc but I really feel like I can start looking at the real me for the first time in my life. Uncover any hidden bits and maybe learn to live more positively with the negative parts of me.

Also, I think i am going to strike Alexithymia off. In all my research and pondering I have noted that I can identify what I am feeling. Alexithymia by description is feeling something but not being able to identify what the feeling is. I can identify. I can’t always express these feelings but that is likely down to autism and not Alexithymia.

So yeah, time to really start digging into this rigid, complex mind and see what I can dig out. Hope this goes well!

Wow, that hit hard

So my wife and I don’t fall out often. But when we do, my poor communication and my lack of emotion have been major factors in making things worse.

This contributed a lot to our suspicions of autism.

In general, my lack of empathy has proven to be a nightmare for years.

So, today I took an online test to “measure” my empathy levels.

Yes, I know online tests are likely to be inaccurate and are by no means a proper diagnosis of things.

But the results of this are shocking!

I have almost no empathy.

This is common with autism but I didn’t realise quite the extent of this particular “symptom”.

Quite scary for me. No wonder my wife has really struggled with my reactions to arguments and any negative stuff.

This has really hit me hard

Reading when you don’t like reading

So at the start of my journey, coming to terms with the fact I am a 31 year old husband and father with undiagnosed autism, a couple of recommendations came my way for a book.

It was written by someone who was in a very similar situation. It is an honest, candid book about the situation.

Now I am not a reader. My wife can vouch for this. Always been good at reading and can understand the odd big word here and there. But since around the age of 10, I virtually gave up reading because I am easily distracted, get bored and impatient, and really struggled with fiction due to my almost total lack of imagination.

But something about this book spoke to me. So I ordered it. It arrived a few days later but went untouched for about a week.

Today I picked it up. And I have had to force myself to stop reading it.

It is funny, insightful, inspiring, and in some parts like reading from my life story!

So, if anyone out there is late diagnosed, especially if you are a married man with kids, give this book a read.

https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/The_Journal_of_Best_Practices.html?id=7OE5mmdrNYMC&source=kp_book_description&redir_esc=y

Testing times

So, in a time where it really isn’t safe to be going to doctors etc for a formal diagnosis I have been looking to online resources, including the facebook group for late diagnosis which I am an active member of now.

Looking to get some realistic and reliable self-diagnosis, I asked the group if there were any online tests which were reliable and reputable. I was given links to two.

So I sat and took the time to answer the questions as honestly as I could and the results are as follows (excuse the picture quality, took the tests on my tablet but post blogs from my phone so was quickest to snap pics).

So there we go. As reliably as possible, I have some confirmation that I almost definitely autistic.

I am not 100% sure how I feel about it.

It was quite a positive release when my wife and I came to the conclusion I probably was autistic as it helped me make sense of things a bit.

But I feel that, maybe at least, a lot of the frustration I have felt of late might be because I still had so much uncertainty and didn’t want to start finding ways to deal with my situation in case it wasn’t what I thought.

So I guess now there is some relief as my suspicions have all but been confirmed so now I can really start working towards positive changes to help me, and everyone else to move forward.

Overall, not a lot changes. But maybe now I can take steps to react slightly differently and approach things in a way that will be less destructive and not make my wife and kids feel like crap all the time

Food for thought

So earlier I said maybe a change in the weather had thrown me off a bit.

But today I am feeling better.

Also today, one of the kids’ birthdays so we had chinese takeaway and birthday cake.

So, maybe the knowledge of good food coming also brought be out of that little hole I was disappearing into.

The autism page i am part of will be sick of my questions soon haha

Reconnected

Feel like I am back on this planet a bit today. And it feels so good fter being so disconnected and lost yesterday.

No idea what is going on. Maybe its lockdown, maybe it’s the realisation that I am likely autistic, maybe it’s both.

Either way, more positive and in tune with life in general today.

No real change in stimulus etc. Today has been very similar to yesterday.

Maybe it was something as simple as the weather? Was wet and windy yesterday but today warmer and sunny? Could that really set me off?

Another one to ask on the autism page I guess!