Bloody hell

Blogging when you have nothing to blog about is hard.

Nothing autism related at all right now. Think I have come to terms with it and am just getting on with it.

However, one thing, I finally started “working out” tonight.

Not panicking about cardio. Mainly because we are shielding so going out for a jog or bike ride is kind of out of the question.

However, being overweight but under-strong (yeah I just made that up) has been a problem I have struggled with for years.

So, while I am not working and we are stuck at home, I have started some resistence/weight training. Hopefully if I can keep it up for a few weeks I can make it habitual so I will keep doing it!

I know overall my weight might not change much as I switch fat for muscle but hopefully there will be noticeable changes in how I look.

Been flabby for too long. Time to look and feel strong instead of like a big wobbly mess.

In turn, my mental health will likely improve and I will feel more confident and less worried about being judged for my appearance.

Fingers crossed!

Reconnected

Feel like I am back on this planet a bit today. And it feels so good fter being so disconnected and lost yesterday.

No idea what is going on. Maybe its lockdown, maybe it’s the realisation that I am likely autistic, maybe it’s both.

Either way, more positive and in tune with life in general today.

No real change in stimulus etc. Today has been very similar to yesterday.

Maybe it was something as simple as the weather? Was wet and windy yesterday but today warmer and sunny? Could that really set me off?

Another one to ask on the autism page I guess!

Irregular

So it’s gone from blogging every night before bed to blogging whenever I have the energy and patience to bother.

You would think as someone probably living with autism that a rigid structure/routine would be the basis of my life.

Don’t get me wrong I would love it to be like that. But having a wife with a chronic autoimmune illness and 5 kids even the thought of a strict daily routine is virtually impossible!

Anyway, chosen now to blog because everyone has just had lunch so relatively settled house (1pm here in the uk).

And also because I feel I need to get things out of my head a bit.

Not had a good day so far. Feeling completely overwhelmed and don’t even know why.

Been miserable and grumpy all morning and been feeling like I am just not doing well at functioning.

So I pondered a bit and I think I am having a bit of an identity crisis, possibly brought on by this self diagnosis.

I don’t want people to see me as autistic but that would be hiding my true self.

I want to be a better husband and father. That definitely needs work.

And I also want to change my appearance. I have always been overweight so want that to change but also feel like I have been wearing the same clothes for years now. Which is fine but I am not 21 now. My “style” is better suited to younger people. I feel feel I need to “grow up” a bit.

So there are psychological, behavioural and physical changes I want (and need) to make but I don’t know where to start.

All I know is, the “me” that I am right now is no longer serving its purpose and needs upgrading.

And if nothing else, for the sake of my marriage and family it needs to start happening soon.

I am furloughed for a few more weeks so I need to use that time wisely. Which again is not easy. Between my wife and i we spend the day keeping the kids alive. Then when the younger ones go to bed we actually get some time for us. I need to fit in some intense self-improvement work during those few hours but without neglecting my beautiful wife.

Whether you are autistic or not, if you have a partner and kids, life is not easy. It is a balancing act. One which I am at great risk of toppling unless I sort my shit out.

Hopefully getting it out of my head will ease the pressure on my mind a bit. Now on to the rest of the day

Muggy

This heat (and it isn’t even that hot here in England) is a bit much. So muggy especially when trying to get to sleep.

But the dry weather has meant lots of time in the garden with the kids so it’s not all bad.

Think the fresh air has done my head some good.

Haven’t had the mental struggles so much and when there have been testing times I have taken an extra few seconds to breathe and process before reacting so outbursts are currently under control.

However, one thing has bothered me the past few days. My lack of creativity.

Wasn’t sure if this was a common thing with autism so put it to a facebook group and apparently it is not! Many of the people in the group are very creative! But add in maths strengths and that makes more sense for autism.

Either way, still convinced I have autism so will continue investigating, learning and will aim to have some form of diagnosis once the virus buggers off

That’s better (nearly anyway)

Today was a lot more positive than yesterday.

Woke up feeling crap but through the morning I started feeling better and after lunch was fine.

Still feel like there is a huge weight on my shoulders but just don’t know what it is.

Either way, compared to yesterday where I felt completely alien, i have felt more human and like I belong.

I think the whole journey thing may be playing a part because now I am 99% certain I have these conditions but until I know for sure it is going to play on my mind a bit.

Do I have them, do i have something else? How do i move forward if i do or don’t have them?

How will the rest of my life be affected?

So really I am just adding worries during an already worrying time.

I suppose one benefit of Alexithymia is that even though I know I am adding to my worries, I don’t feel a damned thing so it will just go over my head until shit hits the fan.

Emotionally confused but able to be almost blissfully ignorant at times.

My brain is wired up a bit oddly

Not the best day…

Bit rambly but here goes.

I have struggled today.

I have felt, and also caused others to feel frustrated and angry and I have generally been more miserable than normal. To the extent that even my lisp, which is barely noticeable, has been pissing me off.

And I feel like literally everything I have said has upset someone or been wrong. Just feel like I can’t win today and the world is not on my side.

I don’t “feel” much in general other than negative things and today has been very negative for me.

All my own fault probably but generally I miss the cues and just carry on being a complete moron.

I may not feel much but I know logic!

And logically I can tell that the way I am, not just today, is probably having a really negative impact on my wife and kids.

Not for the first time I have thought of myself as a less than average father, crap husband, and a miserable human being due to the way I am, my lack of empathy and the fact that in my head, everything I do is right when 99% of the time it probably isn’t.

Things had been better recently. The wife and I have been doing sleep meditations every night and started embracing our spiritual side which has been interesting and fun and brought us closer together. Working from home and then being furloughed has meant lots more time with my family which I was desperate for. And in general, other than this Covid-19 bollocks and my wife’s illness things had been on the up!

But today, it all nose dived and I can’t put my finger on why.

I feel like shit.

I have had this queasy feeling in my chest and just a feeling of dread and like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

In reality I have it incredibly easy and should be grateful.

My wife is in immense pain almost 24/7 due to an autoimmune condition. But she soldiers on and does what she can.

I just hope around wallowing in self pity over nothing.

And not being able to process or recognise emotions properly makes it worse because I cannot express how I feel which frustrates me and my wife even more.

Think I need to use this blog to rant as well as track my journey.

Hopefully putting it down in black and white so to speak will help to release some of the pressure that is building in me at the moment.

Fingers crossed tomorrow will be a better day

Not been a good day today

A day full of complete and utter frustration.

1. My lack of empathy and emotional intellect has left my wife a little peeved

2. My lack of any useful, non-academic talents (woodwork, creative stuff etc) has left me frustrated. We are shielding so need things for the kids to do to keep them busy and active. But I am completely useless at making things or even coming up with ideas to do with them.

3. I feel like whatever conditions or issues I have are getting in the way of any positive steps. In my mind I keep telling myself that because of this trait you can’t do this etc

I am not in a positive mind set today and unfortunately I think it is affecting everyone else.

4 hours until the kids’ bed time. Then I can sit and sulk while the wife tries to stay sane despite her actual diagnosed conditions and having to deal with my shit.

Sometimes I wonder how she copes.

I must be a nightmare.

Tuesday… I think

Now I am furloughed and kids are at home 24/7 it’s easy to lose track of days.

Today was relatively uneventful.

Had some pallets delivered yesterday so started dismantling them to make stuff.

Youngest kids were in the paddling pool this afternoon making use of the weather.

And this evening once the little ones had gone to bed I made flapjack and cheesecake.

Did I mention I used to be a baker?

Anyway, hoping to get a decent post around Alexithymia this week!

Ciao!

Well blogging daily is a big fat fail

Even with the wife reminding me I end up forgetting.

Anyway, so much for my ongoing projects!

Finished my macrame piece and nearly finished the bird table already.

Time to start focusing on big projects. The garden, the shed and the 5 year old’s bedroom!

Got to keep busy in these strange times.

Also, hoping to get to grips with my Alexithymia soon. Going to start with some guided hypnosis stuff and see where I end up!

Furlough

So, officially furloughed yesterday due to my wife’s illness making it difficult to work.

When lockdown properly kicked in back in March we made a list of things we would try to get done while we would be spending more time at home.

So today I finally made a proper start. Or tried to anyway.

Sorted the garage out a bit so we can put stuff from the shed in there and convert the shed into a chill out/retreat/meditation room.

Started clearing some of the overgrown crap at the bottom of the garden and dragged out an old rotten bird table.

Realised the compost bin is full and we can’t have fires so stopped clearing the vegetation. Took the bird table to the garage to see if I had sacral wood to restore it with. And I have! So made a start on that. Will be an ongoing project.

Also, some point last year I started a macrame piece. Was originally started because we were planning a 5th anniversary party for Summer.

That has been cancelled because of Covid-19.

Anyway, started this macrame last year but haven’t touched it since because it was the first one I had ever done and could not get to grips with one of the basic knots.

Although we are no longer having the party we have been putting work into making our bedroom nice and the macrame would go really well.

So today I worked on perfecting the problematic knot and finally got it!

So that macrame piece will also be an ongoing project.

We have a nice list of things to keep me busy whilst also keeping kids entertained and trying to let my poorly wife rest.

Might get chance to sit down and actually ponder over my conditions soon haha