Bit rambly but here goes.
I have struggled today.
I have felt, and also caused others to feel frustrated and angry and I have generally been more miserable than normal. To the extent that even my lisp, which is barely noticeable, has been pissing me off.
And I feel like literally everything I have said has upset someone or been wrong. Just feel like I can’t win today and the world is not on my side.
I don’t “feel” much in general other than negative things and today has been very negative for me.
All my own fault probably but generally I miss the cues and just carry on being a complete moron.
I may not feel much but I know logic!
And logically I can tell that the way I am, not just today, is probably having a really negative impact on my wife and kids.
Not for the first time I have thought of myself as a less than average father, crap husband, and a miserable human being due to the way I am, my lack of empathy and the fact that in my head, everything I do is right when 99% of the time it probably isn’t.
Things had been better recently. The wife and I have been doing sleep meditations every night and started embracing our spiritual side which has been interesting and fun and brought us closer together. Working from home and then being furloughed has meant lots more time with my family which I was desperate for. And in general, other than this Covid-19 bollocks and my wife’s illness things had been on the up!
But today, it all nose dived and I can’t put my finger on why.
I feel like shit.
I have had this queasy feeling in my chest and just a feeling of dread and like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
In reality I have it incredibly easy and should be grateful.
My wife is in immense pain almost 24/7 due to an autoimmune condition. But she soldiers on and does what she can.
I just hope around wallowing in self pity over nothing.
And not being able to process or recognise emotions properly makes it worse because I cannot express how I feel which frustrates me and my wife even more.
Think I need to use this blog to rant as well as track my journey.
Hopefully putting it down in black and white so to speak will help to release some of the pressure that is building in me at the moment.
Fingers crossed tomorrow will be a better day