Today has been a better day.
I have been able to interact with the wife and kids more and not feel like a complete waste of space.
I need to properly find the reasons for the outbursts. Is it part if the conditions I may have, something entirely separate, or a mixture.
Either way, one thing I have found that has helped me feel better today is kicking a football around.
Sounds simple but it got me thinking. And I realised that football is the only thing that has stayed with me since I was a kid. Always loved it and from age 10 to 22 I played regularly.
I know, millions of people are the same. Basically born with a ball at their feet and love it until the day they die.
But maybe for me, given the current shit going on in the world, coupled with trying to find out what is going on in my head, kicking a ball around has a grounding effect on me. It brings me back to a something that has always been there, something I always enjoy, and something that for a large part of my life gave me something to really focus on. Maybe it brings forward some subconscious happiness from my youth which helps me to relax and feel more positive.
Either way, I genuinely believe that it has helped.
It is also a massive bonus to have a wife who supports me and puts up with my shit regardless of how much of an arsehole I have been.
And a friend of mine who follows this blog saw the shit from the past couple of days and checked in to make sure I’m ok. Little things like that make a huge difference.
I need to come up with a plan to find the cause of the anger, find out what conditions, if any, I am dealing with, and also ways to positively deal with the emotional instability that causes myself and my wife so much concern.
Regardless of whether or not I have autism or Alexithymia, something is definitely a bit “off” and I need to find out to not only give myself clarity, but also to ensure that I do not out the good things in my life at risk.
I am not a horrible person. I can actually be very thoughtful, loving, generous and kind. I just struggle to do it unless I am making up for being a complete dick.
Communication is also such a massive issue for me. Need to get that sussed out. It is so easy for people to say “just talk to me” or “communicate more”. Believe me I would love to! But something in my head just won’t let me. I cannot bring myself to do it.
If it wasn’t for this blog my friends wouldn’t even know i am having so much hassle with my problems at the moment.
And if I was able to communicate and express myself openly with my beautiful wife then 99% of the shit we have been through would be non existent.
Anyway, long post. Time to unwind before bed