Urgh

Just feel completely disconnected from everything today. No motivation, no sense of the world, just complete lack of anything.

Did make a start on clearing the garden out ready to re-plant and also sort the shed out but weather put an end to that.

Apart from that I have not wanted to do a single thing today.

Feel lost for no reason at all which is frustrating as hell

Irregular

So it’s gone from blogging every night before bed to blogging whenever I have the energy and patience to bother.

You would think as someone probably living with autism that a rigid structure/routine would be the basis of my life.

Don’t get me wrong I would love it to be like that. But having a wife with a chronic autoimmune illness and 5 kids even the thought of a strict daily routine is virtually impossible!

Anyway, chosen now to blog because everyone has just had lunch so relatively settled house (1pm here in the uk).

And also because I feel I need to get things out of my head a bit.

Not had a good day so far. Feeling completely overwhelmed and don’t even know why.

Been miserable and grumpy all morning and been feeling like I am just not doing well at functioning.

So I pondered a bit and I think I am having a bit of an identity crisis, possibly brought on by this self diagnosis.

I don’t want people to see me as autistic but that would be hiding my true self.

I want to be a better husband and father. That definitely needs work.

And I also want to change my appearance. I have always been overweight so want that to change but also feel like I have been wearing the same clothes for years now. Which is fine but I am not 21 now. My “style” is better suited to younger people. I feel feel I need to “grow up” a bit.

So there are psychological, behavioural and physical changes I want (and need) to make but I don’t know where to start.

All I know is, the “me” that I am right now is no longer serving its purpose and needs upgrading.

And if nothing else, for the sake of my marriage and family it needs to start happening soon.

I am furloughed for a few more weeks so I need to use that time wisely. Which again is not easy. Between my wife and i we spend the day keeping the kids alive. Then when the younger ones go to bed we actually get some time for us. I need to fit in some intense self-improvement work during those few hours but without neglecting my beautiful wife.

Whether you are autistic or not, if you have a partner and kids, life is not easy. It is a balancing act. One which I am at great risk of toppling unless I sort my shit out.

Hopefully getting it out of my head will ease the pressure on my mind a bit. Now on to the rest of the day

A morning blog

Was going to blog last night as usual but I put questions about my repetitive behaviours to the autism group and it was not approved until around 2am this morning haha.

Anyway, from the answers I have so far it appears that my beard hair pulling, scab picking and incessant tapping are all “stims” which are common with autistic people.

Had a Google and this link provides decent info: https://www.healthline.com/health/autism/stimming#frequency

So, another sign that I probably am autistic.

I have no idea when I will be able to get a formal diagnosis due to Covid-19, or if I will even be able to get one as diagnosis in adults is less common. But I firmly believe that I am autistic so I am going to start looking into ways of helping myself in situations where my autism causes issues.

Bit more on my spiritual journey

Two blogs in quick succession!

Keeping things a little bit separate.

So as mentioned in earlier posts, my wife and I are exploring our spiritual side more and tonight, we tuned in to a live facebook thing with card readings etc.

I was chosen for a reading.

Now, please bare in mind that we had never watched this particular reader before, and there is no way she could have known anything about me.

A male spirit wanted to contact me. A big man, well built, but incredibly gentle. Someone I was close to, looked up to, and would go to for advice. They wanted to tell me that they are still there and I was to look out for signs that they are communicating and trying to reach me.

For those who don’t know, my grandad passed last February. He was 6 ft 7 tall and built like a house! But he was a gentle giant. He was and still is my hero. I could talk to him about anything without judgement and he would offer advice and guidance whenever possible.

I have been hoping that both he and my nan would be watching over me. Now I think I have a sign.

He said I need to meditate properly, and listen.

In addition to this, the reader mentioned a positive change in finances around August or September. She is the 4th, completely independent reader to give me this information.

Let’s see what happens

Much needed rain

Cooler day with rain and a breeze! So refreshing. Felt very in tune with the natural world today.

Don’t think I have mentioned before but I am massively into the natural world, wildlife etc.

Simple things like watching the blackbirds feeding after rainfall really help ground me and make me feel like the world is not such a bad place.

Back on to subject matter a bit and I have been pondering today about certain behaviours and habits I have and whether they are linked to autism or something else, or if they are just habits.

For example, I will pull beard hairs out and play with them. Once i have finished with one I will flick it away or drop it and pull another one out.

Or maybe the face that I will pick scabs. They will bleed and scab over again. The next day I pick them. This goes on for days or even weeks for each scab and has even lead to small scars.

Then of course there is my incessant tapping. Since my wife mentioned it I have become more aware and tried to reduce it but it still happens.

Not sure if these link to any conditions or not. Will put it to the autism page on facebook tomorrow and check back with answers!

Muggy

This heat (and it isn’t even that hot here in England) is a bit much. So muggy especially when trying to get to sleep.

But the dry weather has meant lots of time in the garden with the kids so it’s not all bad.

Think the fresh air has done my head some good.

Haven’t had the mental struggles so much and when there have been testing times I have taken an extra few seconds to breathe and process before reacting so outbursts are currently under control.

However, one thing has bothered me the past few days. My lack of creativity.

Wasn’t sure if this was a common thing with autism so put it to a facebook group and apparently it is not! Many of the people in the group are very creative! But add in maths strengths and that makes more sense for autism.

Either way, still convinced I have autism so will continue investigating, learning and will aim to have some form of diagnosis once the virus buggers off

Less stress

Been a good couple of days!

I have kept my social media intake to a minimum and have instead put my time into sorting the house and giving the wife little breaks from the kids here and there.

Even though I don’t take much notice of the worldwide crap at the moment, scrolling through so much of it will get it lodged in your mind a bit and it adds to anxiety and stress on which manifests but you can’t always put a finger on where its come from.

However have spent a bit of time reading posts on the autism and Alexithymia pages and it is just further confirming for me that I am autistic but starting to wonder a bit more about Alexithymia.

Maybe my emotional issues are purely down to autism. The Alexithymia members seem to really struggle with everything emotionally. They are basically numb at times. Whereas I feel everything I just struggle sometimes to express or describe it.

This is a symptom of Alexithymia but I sort of know what the feelings are where as others don’t.

Can’t wait until I can safely visit doctors again so i can get some form of confirmation either way for both conditions.

Either way, getting back into a positive mindset again which is probably a massive relief for my wife.

Also, cooked a beast of a roast today and a lovely pudding to. No Aunt Bessies in this house. Alp cooked from scratch!

Lists

So with the family shielding and me being furloughed we can’t really leave the house.

I have been meaning to sort the house put for ages so yesterday made a list of stuff to do today.

Failed.

Done one thing from the list.

Then went to start another, got distracted and done something that wasn’t even on the list.

I get that autistic people obsess over things and can be extremely knowledgable about subjects they enjoy but is it also common to not be able to focus for long periods of time?

I have given it some thought today and realised that even doing something I enjoy or want to get done, I can only really focus for 2 to 3 hours max before getting distracted. But it is usually between 1 and 2 hours. 3 hours is rare.

Either way, has been a relatively productive and positive day today. Been reading posts on the autism group on facebook and I can definitely relate to a lot of them so kind of helping confirm that I probably am autistic.

But, as a few people said when I done my intro post, I put that if I am autistic it is mild and this was (politely and positively) quashed. It is not mild. These guys and girls are fully supportive of everyone and don’t see severity as differing. It manifests differently. This was really comforting . I felt that instead of worrying about my seemingly minor things, I can just be open and honest and can post or rant about the little things.

Looking forward to learning more

Not much to report

Been a quiet but positive couple of days.

And two things today which will hopefully help keep the positivity going.

1. Joined a group on facebook which is specifically for late diagnosed autistic adults including self diagnosed so hopefully I will get some positive stuff there.

2. A book was recommended by a few people so I ordered last week and it arrived today! The Journal of Best Practices – a memoir of marriage, asperger syndrome, and one man’s quest to be a better husband.

So yeah, hopefully be getting some useful insight and helpful advice

Peace out!

What day is it?

Totally lost track of days at the moment.

Either way, today was ok.

Nothing much to report but my head is in a better place.

I need to try and learn to think before I act in certain situations. Step back, few deep breaths to ground myself and process things.

Have ordered a book which has been recommended. Written by someone in a similar situation; married with kids and only just diagnosed. Hopefully will be insightful.

I am not much of a reader but I am going to try and knuckle down with this one.

Anyway, another sunny day expected tomorrow so hopefully fresh air and vitamin d will keep me plodding along in a positive mindset

Almost normal day! So focus on something else…

Today has been pretty much all positive so I won’t dwell too much on the outbursts today.

Instead, I want to mention a bit more about Alexithymia.

It is not easy to describe but a brilliant article was shared in a group on Facebook today so if it is of interest go here for a read! https://mosaicscience.com/story/life-without-emotions-alexithymia-interoception/

Like autism, if I do have this condition I have it mildly but it still has a major effect on me and has been a major factor in a lot of my shit the past few years. I just didn’t know the condition existed until this year!

Again, shout out to the wife. She has to deal with my shit on top of everything else. She is a saint

Improvement

Today has been a better day.

I have been able to interact with the wife and kids more and not feel like a complete waste of space.

I need to properly find the reasons for the outbursts. Is it part if the conditions I may have, something entirely separate, or a mixture.

Either way, one thing I have found that has helped me feel better today is kicking a football around.

Sounds simple but it got me thinking. And I realised that football is the only thing that has stayed with me since I was a kid. Always loved it and from age 10 to 22 I played regularly.

I know, millions of people are the same. Basically born with a ball at their feet and love it until the day they die.

But maybe for me, given the current shit going on in the world, coupled with trying to find out what is going on in my head, kicking a ball around has a grounding effect on me. It brings me back to a something that has always been there, something I always enjoy, and something that for a large part of my life gave me something to really focus on. Maybe it brings forward some subconscious happiness from my youth which helps me to relax and feel more positive.

Either way, I genuinely believe that it has helped.

It is also a massive bonus to have a wife who supports me and puts up with my shit regardless of how much of an arsehole I have been.

And a friend of mine who follows this blog saw the shit from the past couple of days and checked in to make sure I’m ok. Little things like that make a huge difference.

I need to come up with a plan to find the cause of the anger, find out what conditions, if any, I am dealing with, and also ways to positively deal with the emotional instability that causes myself and my wife so much concern.

Regardless of whether or not I have autism or Alexithymia, something is definitely a bit “off” and I need to find out to not only give myself clarity, but also to ensure that I do not out the good things in my life at risk.

I am not a horrible person. I can actually be very thoughtful, loving, generous and kind. I just struggle to do it unless I am making up for being a complete dick.

Communication is also such a massive issue for me. Need to get that sussed out. It is so easy for people to say “just talk to me” or “communicate more”. Believe me I would love to! But something in my head just won’t let me. I cannot bring myself to do it.

If it wasn’t for this blog my friends wouldn’t even know i am having so much hassle with my problems at the moment.

And if I was able to communicate and express myself openly with my beautiful wife then 99% of the shit we have been through would be non existent.

Anyway, long post. Time to unwind before bed

Dealing with frustration and anger

Past few days have been rocky to say the least. Feeling really frustrated again today and yet again affecting the people I love.

Fed up with it and I know for a fact my wife is sick of just trying to look past it.

I usually bottle things up but sometimes I just let little bits out and usually it upsets or angers someone because it is over the top given the situation.

I also have a loud voice which can be scary especially for the little ones.

So anyway, quick Google around and this page was helpful: https://www.autism-help.org/adults-aspergers-anger.htm

It opened my eyes to some of the reasons people with autism may be angered and how they match my outbursts particularly being ignored and build up of stress.

Only problem is the being ignored bit is usually the 5 year old or the 20 month old so when I have an outburst it is usually at someone who, even if they are ignoring me, they are too young to really understand things, especially that I likely have a condition like this.

So yeah, really struggling with that. I am basically getting angry at my kids when they are just being kids.

I am going to try to deal with it but I hate myself right now.

Idiot

That’s better (nearly anyway)

Today was a lot more positive than yesterday.

Woke up feeling crap but through the morning I started feeling better and after lunch was fine.

Still feel like there is a huge weight on my shoulders but just don’t know what it is.

Either way, compared to yesterday where I felt completely alien, i have felt more human and like I belong.

I think the whole journey thing may be playing a part because now I am 99% certain I have these conditions but until I know for sure it is going to play on my mind a bit.

Do I have them, do i have something else? How do i move forward if i do or don’t have them?

How will the rest of my life be affected?

So really I am just adding worries during an already worrying time.

I suppose one benefit of Alexithymia is that even though I know I am adding to my worries, I don’t feel a damned thing so it will just go over my head until shit hits the fan.

Emotionally confused but able to be almost blissfully ignorant at times.

My brain is wired up a bit oddly